Prayer of Loss

Dear Lord
I knew that my life would bring
great joy and great suffering
as well as
the mundane and the sublime

There would be mussels and wine
in tiny wooden cabins
on the shore of your greatest ocean
I would watch my sons be born
and I would wrap myself around
the softest and strongest woman
after my faith was ruined 
by the one before her

I knew that I would strain
through deaths and rebirth
I knew that my body would
serve me and fail me
it would be strong and weak
and strong again
I knew friends would come and go
there would be addictions and wives and betrayal
hard work and everything futile and vain
and that most of all
there would be suffering
I was not naive about the suffering

But this loss that won't stop burning
is tearing at my skin
hands are clenching at my ankles
thrust upward from the mud of Hell
And the world is so beautiful
full of majesty and grace
and to witness it alone
without your whispers
without her hand in mine
is the oldest agony
of being cast out of Eden
I can see the garden
I cannot enter it
It's our oldest truth
burning me alive
from the inside out

I can only wait
for joy to return
I pretend that it will
for hope to surface from the deep
did I make a deal with the devil
and not even realize it
did I inspire demons to chase me this far
did I listen too intently to the heresy of witches
or did I kneel at too many idols
why have I been blessed with memories
of life so beautiful
only to be locked away
in a sorrowful gray
without borders or blue

Only you know
the writing on my heart
how it longs to return to heaven's womb
how I only want to hand all of it over
in love and service
to knit together eternally with another
to suffer on that path is better than suffering here
old age is an avalanche gaining speed
and I want to tumble in it
with one person
you will not let me have
for some reason
when I finally prayed
she left me the next day

Why do you show me these possibilities
the warmth that can be
the melting of hearts
the temporary acceptance of my shadow
the highest peak of carnal love
only to send me back to my cell
where I can only pretend
to enjoy my days
and my life slips a little more
like erosion
time's river runs
with the weight of planets
and all I have to hold on to
is loss
and the knowing
that I'm at least one day closer
to seeing you in fullness

But please
make it stop
bring me rest
remind me of joy
put me back with the people
give me an anchor
the hand I would crawl to hold again
bring me the protectors of your elect
I am desperate, I need them here tonight
I knew that this wouldn't be easy
but right now this pain is truly
too hard.