Prayer of Loss

Dear Lord
I knew that my life would bring
great joy and great suffering
as well as
the mundane and the sublime

There would be mussels and wine
in tiny wooden cabins
on the shore of your greatest ocean
I would watch my sons be born
and I would wrap myself around
the softest and strongest woman
after my faith was ruined 
by the one before her

I knew that I would strain
through deaths and rebirth
I knew that my body would
serve me and fail me
it would be strong and weak
and strong again
I knew friends would come and go
there would be addictions and wives and betrayal
hard work and everything futile and vain
and that most of all
there would be suffering
I was not naive about the suffering

But this loss that won't stop burning
is tearing at my skin
hands are clenching at my ankles
thrust upward from the mud of Hell
And the world is so beautiful
full of majesty and grace
and to witness it alone
without your whispers
without her hand in mine
is the oldest agony
of being cast out of Eden
I can see the garden
I cannot enter it
It's our oldest truth
burning me alive
from the inside out

I can only wait
for joy to return
I pretend that it will
for hope to surface from the deep
did I make a deal with the devil
and not even realize it
did I inspire demons to chase me this far
did I listen too intently to the heresy of witches
or did I kneel at too many idols
why have I been blessed with memories
of life so beautiful
only to be locked away
in a sorrowful gray
without borders or blue

Only you know
the writing on my heart
how it longs to return to heaven's womb
how I only want to hand all of it over
in love and service
to knit together eternally with another
to suffer on that path is better than suffering here
old age is an avalanche gaining speed
and I want to tumble in it
with one person
you will not let me have
for some reason
when I finally prayed
she left me the next day

Why do you show me these possibilities
the warmth that can be
the melting of hearts
the temporary acceptance of my shadow
the highest peak of carnal love
only to send me back to my cell
where I can only pretend
to enjoy my days
and my life slips a little more
like erosion
time's river runs
with the weight of planets
and all I have to hold on to
is loss
and the knowing
that I'm at least one day closer
to seeing you in fullness

But please
make it stop
bring me rest
remind me of joy
put me back with the people
give me an anchor
the hand I would crawl to hold again
bring me the protectors of your elect
I am desperate, I need them here tonight
I knew that this wouldn't be easy
but right now this pain is truly
too hard.

Single Life

My heart is in a locked box of longing
like a POW in the solitary confinement pit

My PG&E bill is 65 dollars

I love this place
but goddammit I miss those soft buns

My writing projects move faster
because my nights are monastic quiet

My loins ache

Money has never felt easier to get

I'm totally going to hire house cleaners soon
make that a regular part of my personal economy
For at least the next eight years

Today my house was the cleanest bachelor pad in Chico
but I'd rather somebody else do it
I need to write and make art more
And I want to feel a little more taken care of than this

My closet is perfect
small and orderly
with guns in it
and no door

On my hooks I have outdoorsman backpacks
binoculars and waders
and overalls at the ready

On my dresser built in I painted two tone
I have a bottle of wine and a mug
for when I want some
like now

I'm going to build a display shelf
for my best-friend's glass craft
he's gifted me over the years
right in a window so it's back lit
the ladies I hire will dust them for me

I need some plants
get rid of a lamp I hate, hang one from the ceiling instead
put a big ass plant on the end table in its place
put on a record
write some more
age
get my gains
go from zero to whatever I want
in five years

Wear out some more 300 dollar boots.
Get those buns back.

The Fair

Things have changed
the girl I made out with behind the rides
never cursed and she wore jeans
I didn't reach for other places on her body
I knew we were too young for that
and she did too
a kiss and sitting close on the ferris wheel
was all the thrill we could handle

These kids man, holy shit
they need churches, boy scouts
dads that say, "You aren't leaving the house dressed like that!"
They need vegetables and sunshine
their parents need to get some money
and read some books
Why is that Dad holding his 15 year old girls hand like that?
And why is she dressed like a Vegas stripper?
Why are so many 30-something year old men
stumbling drunk wearing video game t-shirts?
Does anybody do pushups anymore?

The only collared shirts I saw were on
sixty year old men and Mexicans
and me
and Ben
Ben wore a collared shirt because his mom made him
she was nervous I'd lose him
maybe she thought I was a gamer-drunkard American
But I was a Boy Scout in the 80s
back when trophies were trophies
back when they let us get lost
taught us how to navigate with a compass
and topographical maps
if we didn't tuck our shirt in right we couldn't participate

When I went to Kindergarten
our educational path was chosen by test scores
The A B and C groups
the A group was ready for higher things
and everybody got a better education that way
We pledged allegiance to liberty every day
I was proud of my group of boys
they are different, on a counterculture course
thank God for that
because these people are going to re-elect
Donald J. Trump
and they will only get poorer and fatter and sluttier and make more babies
and they'll kick out
all these handsome ass Mexicans
that run this fair and pick all the food.

This is an eye opening year at the fair
our decay is becoming rot
all empires do this
but what an interesting time to be alive
a time to prepare our families for another paradigm.

I Love Construction Because

It is an intimate way to serve people, to make their homes better
that intimacy always leads to an intense trust
and repeat business for probably a lifetime

The economic conditions are clear
at a minimum I will give myself a ten dollar raise every year
but what's more likely is
I will build assets to rent or sell and never need to work for money again

My hands are never soft

A long day feels pretty great
and the short days are whenever I want them to be

One day it's forcing a 200 pound beam into place
the other day it's gently stroking cabinets with an expensive soft bristled brush
to make sure there are no brush marks on the work

There are leads upon leads
we don't need debt or any invasive interactions with the governments
there's the building departments
but we understand each other
somebody has to shore this shit up
the City understands that

You know how they say America's infrastructure is failing?
That's true in most of our housing stock too.
There was a generation that built everything
a generation that took it for granted and built as cheap as possible
and the current generation that is running out of people to call
to do anything right and especially anything enduring and beautiful
I love helping that problem a tiny bit and making a good living on it

My body will fail way later this way.
I've seen the 60 year old contractors that are still doing their own work
if they weren't alcoholics or chain smokers,
they end up real badass
sinewy with a childlike unbroken spirit
with lots of good humor and lots of money
with great houses and a simple daily life and good women

In a little over one year I've had clients give me
a tiny tequila bottle collection
homemade cookies
lot's of coffee
cream cheese danishes
Gatorade and ice water
I've been offered massive pieces of art
and tiny pieces of porcelain
lumber, marijuana
gin and tonics
and several books
I've never done any work
where I was so appreciated by a client.

It beats that coffeehouse shit to a pulp
where I'd run a thousand moving parts to squeeze out
six thousand dollars for me and four thousand for the government
every month
I was taxed on taxes of taxes
had to deal with the twenty-something year old generation
whatever their name is
the ones that are well positioned to lose the last bits of the republic
ready to be conquered by addiction, authority, convenience, opulence, hedonism
they complained about existing
incessantly
but that crap stroked my ego
like I was a puppy getting petted
creating communal spaces like that is something I truly love
because I do love many different types of people
because it was my dream for some reason
kind of a tertiary dream, but a dream nonetheless
a thing I accomplished a few times
sort of

I love feeling important to somebody or something, a team or a cause
like making really good coffee was important because it was something to share
like belief
but obviously it barely matters
it only is allowed to matter because of the spoils and leisure of empire
it's a great way to not feel like a man
in the ancestral sense
in the bottom of the gut way
because deep deep inside you know
that this has to be given some deeper meaning to have any meaning at all
Otherwise all we're doing is imperialism
buying two dollar pounds of coffee from farmers to sell for seventeen
but that's the market
just following the free market.

But shelter isn't like that.
taking timber and fixing a house
laying tile, building a shower
digging a hole and fixing a water line
so the house has water
patching a roof so it doesn't leak on children
gutting a kitchen and rebuilding it to be beautiful again
flexing this body
using it up for what it was evolved for
providing for the village
the things that the village needs
posts and beams
the vertical and horizontal
temples and hovels
ashes to ashes
dust to dust

Mass Killings

In America guns owned per household used to be a lot higher. Meaning, almost every home had a gun in it. Now that number is around 40%.

These days, overall gun violence has been on a downward trend since the late 90s. But we have this phenomenon of boys, super young men usually, walking into schools and suicidally firing on everybody. The corporate-government media narrative, adopted by what I would describe as neo-liberals, is that we have guns that are too lethal for civilians and that we should restrict the bad guns and that this will reduce this phenomenon. The AR-15 and other semi-automatic rifles with certain features are generally the target for ban proposals.

I believe this intentional agenda, pushed by the ruling class, diverts the focus of a frightened citizenry from the problems in our culture that might actually be producing this nihilism. This is a list of things I think we aren't paying enough attention to and I think tons of study and essays could be written about each one:

Fatherless homes - nearly every mass shooter grew up without a dad.

Psych / antidepressant drugs - also a huge correlation

Epidemic of Social Isolation - You never see packs of kids playing in neighborhoods anymore like you did when I grew up. We were never home unless it was dark and we learned how connected we were to each other that way.

No Approved Channels of Masculine Release - Boys need to play hard and play rough. There are studies done with male rats that are deprived of rough house type play that illustrate this mammalian biological truth. As a male, I know this intuitively.

Near Total Loss of Institutions That Develop Citizenship in Young Men - Churches have emptied, Boy Scouts have withered, neo-liberal culture demonizes the masculine constantly and pushes myths that are designed to make boys and men feel bad for being how they are.

Nowhere to Serve - One of the deepest parts of the masculine heart is driven to service. This kicks in in earnest in puberty. Not that long ago the field laborers in America were all teenagers. That's why we have a Summer Vacation to help with the harvest. Imagine the value you feel when you know you aren't a kid anymore, but you aren't quite an adult but you want to be, and you have seething amounts of energy, and all the adults give you money for being outside all day picking the entire society's food. I cant imagine anything better for a pubescent kid to do. Maybe we should allow employers to hire 13 year olds in certain industries and abolish a minimum wage for them. There could be a 4 hour limit per day and only privately owned small businesses of a certain size could hire them. Agriculture and relatively safe trades like painting, light construction, food service, etcetera. Get an army of our kids back in the orchards, it would make is so much stronger and healthier.

Media Loves Mass Shootings - Every time this happens the media makes the shooter famous. That is a great way to keep it happening and it's great for ratings.

Porn Addiction - Is there a connection between indulging in the hedonism of porn and the developent of sociopathy and violence? With the average American kid finding porn at 11 years old, I bet there is. Also I'd like to know how many of these young killers had never once laid down with a woman.

School System Obedience Engineering- These almost exclusively happen at schools so it seems some reflection of school culture seems appropriate. This is a system that is meant to engineer obedience at the expense of creative individualism and entrepreneurial exploration. I can see how a young man in a fragile mental state can feel utterly invisible in the obedience factory that is many of our government schools. 

There is no God - If I was the devil, I would definitely push the idea that man created God and not the other way around. This secularism is intensely dangerous and beats hearts into a submitted gray nihilism and existential crisis. What role does the loss of belief in something higher play in these incidents?

Screens upon screens - I can't believe that countless hours of shooting realistic inages of people in first person shooter games doesn't start to rewire the brain, especially when the video games are encountered at such young ages. I also don't think it's a coincidence that an AR-15 is a favorite gun to feature in first person shooter games and also mass shootings.

Our boys need more help and more ways to contribute and be seen. Just some food for thought. This is going to keep happening and not because guns exist.

Grandpa

Sixteen million men
put on a uniform to beat back fascism
to save the Jews
the ancient people that carried a torch
a torch that saved all of us
led us all to God's revelation
of liberty
of living forever.

Every man that survived
carried stories heavier than coffins
and you never told us your stories
you carried on
after battle in Patton's 3rd Infantry
and after the blood letting of Korea
you opened a business
raised your four children
read thousands of books
played twelve instruments
and spoke at least three languages.

My father your son
who buckled under the weight of your shadow
told me that you visited Patton's grave
the man you killed for
and tears rolled down your cheeks
after you said
"There's the old man."
Without men like you
the light of liberty in the world
might have been pinched out
like a candle's wick
between Nazi fingers.

Then you went to Korea
as a Master Sergeant
and used your barbarism
all over again
20 years in the Army
who knows how many you killed
you never talked about Korea either
just
"That was a real war."

You married a German woman
because I don't think you could share your heart
with someone who had never been bombed
You built a beautiful home for her
a block away from the beach
in Central California
Los Osos - The Bears

By the time I met you
you drank gin
smiled freely
golfed incessantly
had medals on the wall in a case
you were invincible at Scrabble
and called me "Pal"
because you probably thought
I was a wispy little sensitive child
which I was
I barely knew you

Your shadow is long
your legacy is the legacy of this nation
of empire and violence and prosperity
of liberty and of loving beautiful babes
It's a legacy of hiding our feelings
carrying secrets and always taking action
I wish I had known you better
I wish you told us stories of liberating the Jews
Because I love a Jew
the granddaughter of a holocaust survivor
I think you would have really liked that
because your courage
made that possible
and right now I can't get that out of my mind
how the ideas of America are worth killing for
and how you did kill
and never told us about it
you just wanted to watch us
live and love in the world
you helped save.

You were such a man
that Grandma never got her driver's license
she never felt it was necessary
with an American warrior artist
as her husband.

I want to be more like you Grandpa.

The Burn

Fighting shadows
I'll work through this with push ups
get my sit ups back
to stop feeling the serated loss
sawing in my gut
I need myself back now

Thought I was moving well
until the same avalanche fell
this time I didn't writhe
I just got tumbled
spit out by the mountain
the one that keeps telling me
I do not belong
anywhere near the peak

The Quiet Palaces of Men

My buddy came over
brought us Cuban cigars to smoke together
and to let me know his company
needed some writing help again
another job
I love making money
with my hands and my words
and with friends

We sat in the yard
with plywood on saw horses as a table
my hair is greasy
I have no one to shower for right now
my clients love me how I am
dirty and precise
the way I fill in imperfections in wood
they never would have noticed
they give me their house keys
trust what's behind my eyes
these people really see the kind of man I am
it is humble work
blessed as it gets

My buddy and I drank a Tecate Light
smoked our Cuban cigars
talked about an older man in Wyoming
how he turned his barn into
the most beautiful man cave
with extra sheets on the futon
and a deer cleaning station
ready with butcher paper and a freezer
and we talked about women
how the pathos is beautiful
but left uncontained will
turn into a forest fire on a windy day
it will burn down relationships
how without the logos in charge
life turns to chaos
quickly and consistently
then my son interrupted him from the porch
and I told my son not to interrupt
when an older man is speaking
and he quietly obeyed and waited his turn

We pontificated about the stark beauty
of Baja Mexico
of catching 40 pound tuna
and taking shits under the stars
in a bathroom palapa
just 3 walls with the open side
facing the Sea of Cortez
and we talked about Loreto
and it's grand and sleepy Mission
that monks built out of stone 300 years ago
how we see ourselves as older men
living in one room casitas
on a beach in Baja
with a place to clean fish
a place to cook
and a group of Mexican men
to shoot the shit with everyday
barely saying a word.

The Governor

I just voted on my mail in ballot this week. We Californians are voting for our next Governor in the primary. The top two vote getters, regardless of party, will go on to battle in the General election. There will likely be two Democrats in the General election, and if that's the case Gavin Newsom will likely be the next Governor.

Gavin Newsom is the current Lt. Governor of the State and before that was the mayor of San Francisco from 2004-2011, the years that San Francisco lost its soul. Not that that was his fault, but he was definitely on the team that ruined the City. 

A little over ten years ago, while mayor of SF, Newsom had an affair with his campaign manager's wife. His campaign manager at the time has been described as being his best friend. Soon after, Newsom started dating a 19-year-old model, when he was 38. Here he is talking about that time of his life. 

Gavin Newsom has long called himself an "entrepreneur" but has been high on public money since 2004 and has mostly had one nepotistic relationship with a super wealthy San Franciscan patron, who I'm guessing gets political favors for being Gavin's real estate bank. Gavin Newsom is a schmarmy dirtbag, corrupt to the bone, operating in a State that seems to have a permanent Democratic majority, to our detriment. When you open your Voter's Guide, you'll see that he's one of the only candidates that hasn't provided a candidate's statement because he didn't agree to California's voluntary spending cap on gubernatorial races. He wanted to spend all he could. You know the higher ups in the DNC that "knew" Hillary Clinton would be the best person for the job and could easily beat Donald Trump, the DNC people that cut Bernie Sanders off at the knees? That's Gavin's circle. He runs with the super wealthy, does whatever he wants and panders to the poor by supporting policy that doles out welfare by the bucket load. He's one of the most privileged people in California politics, and for some reason just rises on up without a challenge. Maybe this is the year he gets derailed though, I think if a real opponent can make it to General, he could lose.  

There are two main reasons I won't vote for Gavin Newsom. The first reason is because I'm convinced he's a corrupt dirtbag. The 2nd reason is because the ongoing, 40+ year Democratic majority in California has been an impediment to prosperity and freedom in the State of California. The State is becoming a socialist experiment, and it isn't working. 

Consider these facts of life in California, a State where the Democratic Party has had unbroken legislative control for over 40 years:

California has the highest poverty rate in the nation. Higher than Mississippi, Alabama, West Virginia and every other State in the Union. One out of five Californians are poor, and that number is arrived at while including non-cash government assistance AS INCOME. So the real number, if based on actual earnings, would be higher than 1 out of 5.

At Least 30% of Households all over California can't afford rent. In some areas that number rises to 60%

California has 12% of US Population - 21% of US Homeless Population - 34% of US Welfare Recipients. The Social services throw a lot of money around, and we stopped building houses for some reason. 

California has one of the most expensive prison systems in the world. 34 prisons, 30,000 employees, $11billion annual budget, $70,000 per inmate per year.  

3 Million Undocumented Immigrants. That's a lot and it isn't cheap. $25 billion is spent on K-12 education, medical services, public assistance, courts and other government services for non-citizens. Many undocumented immigrants are of course working and contributing to the tax pool by buying things. The estimate is 3.5 billion collected, but it would be more if those jobs were filled legally. And culturally more is brought to America's table when immigrants are allowed to and proud to assimilate. California's response to this soft border issue, is to do nothing, let people live in the shadows, get abused by employers, and issue drivers licences. I don't think that helps anybody.

Everybody gets a pension. We have tons and tons of government employees and huge pension plans for most of them. According to reporting from The Nation, the conservative estimate for unfunded promises to retiring government workers in California is $333 billion. It could be as high as over $1 trillion. No Democrat is saying anything about Pension reform because they get crazy money from the unions. But that amount of money means more taxes later, and it makes things like public education and social services really hard to fund later. Forget about single payer State healthcare. That's snake oil with $1 trillion of red ink in pension promises.

Laws for everything. In California there is a law for everything. I can attest to the byzantine labyrinth of food laws and building laws from small businesses I've owned. And now it looks like every new house built, starting in 2020, will be required to have a solar system. That's insane. There's a housing crisis where we should be building, at a minimum, of 100,000 new homes every year but we can only barely manage 80,000, and so housing prices and construction costs are out of reach for many working people, and by 2020 you can add another $30,000 to your already senseless mortgage to pay for the mandated solar array. And because almost all government interventions in the market create the opposite desired effect, I can't wait to hear how that initiative will somehow lead to an increase in energy use.

Assault Weapons Ban. Gavinites basically did that. We have an assault weapons ban in California. Which means almost nothing substantive. Our rifles can't have too many features on them like telescopic scopes and pistol grips and detachable magazines. You can have some features just not all at once. The ballistics and caliber of a bullet is never mentioned. So you can't have an AR-15 unless you take a couple of the tactical things off which is what people do, but you can go ahead and go to town on that 30-06 rifle, the same round that was carried by every infantryman in the M-1 rifle in WW2. It's a big nasty bullet. Was very much so a weapon of war. Anyone mentioning the 30-06? No. Just commonsense gun reforms to totally end gun violence. Good luck with that! Our State is part of the problem in missing the actual things in our culture that makes people insane enough to shoot up class rooms (spoiler alert it's the goddamn meds, no mental health department and fatherlessness and really bad police work by cops that get bloated pension promises).

Eventually the politicians will kill the Sacramento River. So up here in the Northstate we are a conservative area. The democrats in Sac don't get their votes or their treasure from us. Monied interests in the LA area and Bay Area mostly dictate our State politics. Jerry Brown wanted to build tunnels to suck water in unfathomable quantities to send South. I'm obviously not a hydrologist, but I've had friends of mine who are involved in water conservation tell me that if those things he wants get built and go online, the Sacramento River in our neck of the woods would be closer to a creek at certain times of the year. Whether that's true or not, I think it's a bad idea to pump tons of water to irrigate a desert, no matter what scale you're talking about. The point is, with a Democrat as governor, the entire Northstate is not represented. Because the Democrat doesn't have to listen to anything we say. A Republican would have to.

Truly High Taxes. Highest income tax in the nation. 12 cents per gallon additional gas tax. High sales tax with super aggressive Board of Equalization. Really high vehicle registration rates. All to fund some of the most bloated and inefficient government agencies anywhere in the country. Great.

John Cox should be the next governor because he will use a big and needed veto pen.

     

Descent

It starts as a spring
trickling out of polished granite
at the top of a mountain
you can come to it parched
put your lips on it
you can drink it in gulps
lick it off the rock
as thirsty as you are
it never stops coming
it fills you
after the arduous climb

By the time
it reaches the valley
here where we farm food
and work jobs
raise the children and drive cars
where we stare at our smart phones
where our backs get sweaty
from the worn out old couch
and the stale air
it is the widest river
swift and polluted
undrinkable
and you can't cross it
without a boat
none of us can seem
to push off the dock.

Repentance Soundtrack

https://youtu.be/y7iXu2yO7Lc

Artwork

This painting
made of sorted and ground rocks
stardust and the liquor of walnuts
thick pigment thinned
with turpentine and tears
is one of the most beautiful things
I have ever made
and I can finally look at it again
to stroke it bit by bit
love it again
so I can finish it
to give away
it carries everything
I should have given away
in the first place
it beams light
like a garden with a labyrinth
I'm not entirely sure what it means
it means holiness is real
buried somewhere inside
and love is eternal
lost somewhere in the sky
at the very least.

Modern Families

There were long days and nights alone
a guy brought me fishing once
another one brought me crystal hunting
still another one let me try as hard as I could to fight him when I was twelve

One man had daughters who were about to move out
he was sick of them and had always wanted a son
he was sent to talk to me when at thirteen
I tried my hand at sketching porn in my sketchbook
he came in like a hero and pierced my shame
to tell me it wasn't a big deal
just that my mom thought it was
that was the extent of the talk
that all men kind of want to see women
touch each other
and that some day soon I would get to have women
and it would be amazing
just focus on being careful
don't have sex for a long time
but also focus on getting one when it's time
don't wait too long
he did this duty even though my mom had rejected him already

We never lived together
but that seemed pretty great to me
He took me rock climbing a lot and
beamed with pride when I got to the top
He went to AA and NA
maybe my mom left him because he was sober all the time
maybe she left him because he thought
all that New Age shit was stupid
he drove an old truck and was an electrician
he lived on the ridge
and was a fucking man

After that the men decreased in quality
and I let go of my hope
that a man who gave a shit enough to deal with us
to show up to my karate tournaments or plays
or talk to me about porn
would be the same kind of man my mom would keep
By the time Darrel showed up
I was eating acid on the weekends
and just thrilled that somebody had distracted my mom for a minute
so I could do whatever I wanted
my friends called him Skirt D
because he wore a sarong and ate mushrooms
and had spent a lot of time being
a predator of women

I've read a lot about single motherhood since
the statistics of it, the emotional castle
the one that's built that keeps chasing good men away
and imprisons pubescent boys in their own malformed patriarchy
how being fatherless is more risky
than growing up in the Southside of Chicago
I hate men who leave their children or families
I hate that any women would take that man in
they betray themselves
they betray all mothers
those men should have their penises removed
I hate how the importance of men
is largely ignored, especially on the coasts
the fiction that we aren't totally essential
I hate that men adopt that thinking
mostly to have sex with liberal women
it's a belief that's only possible if you haven't raised a child
all the poisonous myths of modernity
that moms can do it all
that suffering can be avoided
that men should be able to think like women
that love affairs don't penetrate our souls
that a soul is just an idea
that men are destructive and women are creative
that men have laid waste to the world
that God is not wrathful
that the revelation of God has been mistranslated
that true feminist men can even exist without God's brackets
that baptism is just a ritual men made up
and that the destruction of the family
can be mitigated
by anything less
than a
big
strong
masculine
clumsy
sinful
man
who loves
his woman.

Unanswered

Is it too late
to believe in miracles
with all the reason
poisoning the well
like nuclear waste
odorless and fatal

Are you too good
at saying goodbye
after giving all the things
you know how to give

Dozens of men
are left in these woods
bleeding
like charging a hill
in a battle
that can't be won
in a war that started
before we showed up
with our dreams
of getting home
of painting your picket fence
white

Starvation

I couldn't look my priest in the eye
When I kneeled at the altar rail
I couldn't sing Hymn 400
Because it exalts God so well
It is too beautiful for me right now
I had a cross in my throat
Because I am a wretch who is saved

The sanctuary in Spring
is the most beautiful building in town
with all the wood beams and wall of windows
and hand carvings
and new farm for people without food
Many people said hello
there's a new Deaconess with a German accent
the stations of the cross
have collected no dust
the holy water is clear
in the granite chalices

I have made many mistakes
I have rebelled, over and over
taken many things for granted
used others, been used
been led to anger
been seduced, tripped, hated and confused
My path has had many narrow bridges
and cloaked sinkholes
I have encountered vipers and demons
I've been lost in the desert
frantic for the North star
desperate for my home

I'm so thankful
that somewhere along the way
I learned how to kneel
because in times like these
I can only return to my knees
to the water and the wine
and in the end of my flight
all manner of spells
even the ones I cast on myself
are broken
nothing is stronger 
than the sacrifice
the body
the Word
the resurrection

God knits
and knits
and breaks
and burns
and cleanses
with fire and blood
every single time
I crawl
back Home.

The Swell

My love is swolen
surging like blood after a hike
up a steep hill on soft dirt
the doppled light through oak trees
the sun I'm trying to reach
sometimes on all fours
like a fragile bear
I'm never alone
and never with you
and my love swells
like joints and muscles
like faith in prayer.