Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Self Love

What bullshit philosophy
to love the self so hard
how do wars get won
how are the oppressed freed
what would be left of the Jesus story
or the Mary story
how are civilizations built
how are children molded
how are families held together at all
how is love even made
when the only compass you believe in
is the one lodged
in your comfort
in the easiest path
for your feelings.

Everything heroic
in all of history
is uncomfortable
and felt miserable
for a long time
or a little.

Monday, July 16, 2018

A Home Lost

She will carry my heart
through all my years
and over the width of all the seas
she listened to it beat in my chest
listened to it like family
held it gently like forests
hold rivers in Maine
nurtured it
like a bright blue Robin's egg
that fell to the ground
and somehow didn't break

I will always wonder
and I will always love her

Sunday, July 1, 2018

American Millennial Socialism - v - Free Market Libertarianism: Part 1


It's really interesting what's happening to the American left right now and I feel compelled to write about it, especially with the upset victory of Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, a 28 year old from the Bronx. She beat out a typical corporate Democrat and 10-term congressman. Cortez is all but sure to win in the heavily Democratic district and will be the youngest woman to ever have been elected to Congress. She is a card carrying member of the DSA, the Democratic Socialists of America.

So I love that she won in a way. She defeated an establishment, career politician that had ten times more money than her. She walked her district and won it person by person, while talking about working class issues. Our ruling class is very out of touch with us, so at least congress will have somebody that just walked her district, listened to her constituents and used to have to work an actual job recently.

My sense is that she's taking advantage of a Democratic Party that has no sense of self and is warring with itself and that now that the party has seen progressive success like this a few times around the country we might be mainstreaming socialism even more than Bernie did.

I've read the Communist Manifesto, the writings of Che, I was hyped on the revolutionary rhetoric of candidate Barack Obama, got on board with the reforms that Bernie Sanders ran on, and was interested in Venezuela when it was taken over by Hugo Chavez with promises of beating back imperial oppression (American corporations) and socializing the economy. I liked Hugo Chavez and his power to the people ideals. I think he really meant it back then. I don't have a knee jerk reaction to collectivism at all. In fact I think it's largely biological for us to want to group together in self-selected tribes that are knit together by cultural reasons. I am very wary of authoritarianism, and I think that the current American left, particular once more millennial leaders emerge, has a real flavor for authoritarianism. We're in a season in our country where political definitions are being redrawn, and I find that fascinating. Being in my late-thirties and having never missed a single vote, primary or otherwise, I think I'm old enough now to have watched how certain ideologies play out in the lives of our society and individuals for the longer term.

Our political beliefs do influence our own lives. If you believe that the racist, white, heteronormative patriarchy has oppressed you your whole life, that can become a convenient excuse for staying at a job you hate because you have convinced yourself that our society is stacked against you and your dreams. That belief can help you feel entitled to welfare too. It can help you believe you're a victim and little to no power. So political philosophy has this ability to inform how you, as an individual, interact with your society. And the current leftist mantras are kind of shitty, even though I agree with certain policy pieces, I would never ever agree with some of these enormous statements about our culture, really because the evidence doesn't support them. The left has been on a feeling bender lately. If you feel threatened at all, you're a victim of micro-aggression or violence, if your ideas are challenged, you feel talked down to by an oppressor. You feel like guns are the cause of indiscriminate killing, so we should ban some of them.

So what about this political philosophy: We are lucky to live in one of the freest countries on earth, with an economy vibrant enough to give us a real chance of living our wildest dreams if we work hard enough. All things are possible, as long as I work for it. The individual is wiser than a government ever will be, so we should empower the individual as much as we can to make sure the government can't be used as an instrument of oppression. The freer people are, the better. Our constitution guarantees equality but not equal outcomes. The outcome of my life is totally in my own hands, for better or worse.

That's a very different mantra, and the people that believe that tend to live really successful lives I've noticed. I don't think people believe in their personal power after they become republicans or libertarians or whatever, I think that they might have personal power and resources because they refuse to see themselves as victims and operate in the culture we have to get all the things they want.

Maybe that's why immigrants start so many of our small businesses and then get rich and employ frustrated millennial socialist-sympathizers at their businesses. An immigrant comes here and says, holy shit look at all this opportunity and freedom and money, I'm going to tap it, and then does. You can wear a turban and get a bank loan. You can be from Africa and open a businesses and be beloved by our communities and culture.

So I'm not enamored with the left right now because of the experiences I've had getting money and freedom in my own life, and also just from reading and watching what happens to socialist governments. And just the stats on being middle class. In America, it's still statistically true that if you graduate high school, don't have children out of wedlock, and just hold a job down, you will enter the middle class eventually. It doesn't matter if you're white, black, male, female, born poor, gay or straight. If anything I bet there are real societal struggles for transgendered people, but most of us are either failing or succeeded for cultural reasons, not skin color or gendered reasons. 

Generalizing victimhood is a terrible way forward. It's regressive. The Patriarchy is oppressing me...okay how? Can you not own property or vote or own a business or get rich or work any job you want or write a best selling novel or aren't allowed into graduate or doctorate programs? What is the patriarchy exactly? Are you sure if you left your job and I took it I would be paid higher because I'm a man? Have you seen that happen once in your own life? Does it matter that 97% of workplace deaths are men? What about the Death-At-Work-Gap? At any given time there are millions of women who have tiny children that are totally reliant on their care and nurturing right and then they tend to work less right? Is that a bad thing? Can you name a legal, systemic right that I have as a white man that isn't available to everybody else in America? Have you looked into how they figured that wage gap stat and then how Ivy League economists debunked it?

I acknowledge that victimhood and violence occurs of course. But are other women to blame for my ex-wife cheating on me and working me out of my businesses? Of course not. Am I to blame for a rapey frat boy in Florida? Absolutely not. What about slavery or genocide? No I didn't do that either. Individuals are the source of merit or blame. And I do believe in the absolute rights and empowerment of individuals, whoever they are. That used to be what defined liberalism. That's classical liberalism. But that is way different than socialism.

So back to Alexandria and her platform. She believes in health care as a right. I agree that if we are taxed by a government at all, that that treasure should be used in a way that would help us with the things that we hold in common. Sickness and death is something we will all do so I can get behind that, although I think it would be way better achieved and far more efficient if we collectivized voluntarily into health care cooperatives and every community had independent ownership of a community hospital. I have no doubt that the federal government would make a royal mess out of healthcare because whenever you have centralized systems, powerful people will figure out how to corrupt it because there is so much power in one place. To me collectivism is different than socialism.

She believes that housing is a human right. What does that mean? Government housing? That has gone bad over and over because it totally destroys the free market systems of social and economic uplift. But I think it makes sense for cities to figure that out somehow. College or trade school for everybody? Maybe if we can trust higher education systems to be educating more than indoctrinating, but what if my sons don't want or need to go to college. Should we pay for it for others? I'm not so sure about that one. $15 minimum wage and a federal jobs guarantee? That will only cause inflation and higher taxation, like what always happens when minimum wage goes up. End private prisons? Absolutely, with you. Abolish ICE? Yep I think that's a good idea since it rolls back Patriot Act BS although I definitely see a problem with open borders. I also see the necessity of immigration.

I am a free speech absolutist and I think anytime the political class gets infiltrated by normal people it's going to be mostly a good thing. But socialism itself is not a system I want to live in, because the best way for workers to own and control their own production is by starting a small business. I think that will get harder if socialist reforms creep into our economic system, which already has too much socialism in it, mostly benefitting the rich.
     

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

This Season

The only comparable time in my life
to this time in my life
was when I lived in my Dad's garage
at fourteen years old.

He had a new wife with two girls
and the garage was carpeted with
a patchwork of carpet samples
and it was winter and I was always cold.

But instead of watching TV in the house
I secluded myself with a parka
and fingerless wool gloves
and taught myself a programming language
and made a disturbed and complex video game
I wrote 20,000 lines of code in four months
and distributed it to my peers
on 3.5" floppy disks.

Then I discovered girls
which launched 24 years
of infatuated distraction
of selling off my truths
of yielding over and over
until there was nothing left to yield

I wrote an 80 page ebook in 5 sittings
just now
and in that time came up with
three ideas for other ones
I know that no one really cares
only the market will be my judge
and for that stark measurement
the truth of value that tells
I am very grateful

My drive for this is like lava flow
my yard is growing over
and I'll eat rice and garbanzo beans tonight
not because of poverty
but because I don't want to leave the house
It's like I'm a mile away from the Grand Canyon
or on the last five mile stretch
of a 100 mile bike ride
or on the last ten minutes
of a bloody four hour black belt test
the journey always brings meat
and I know how to journey
like an untethered bandit
who leaves everything on the mat
and I'm about to eat

Until I'm full.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Recovery

You don't get this far
without having to recover from something
nobody is spared
suffering comes to all

The key is
can you forgive over and over
can you love when it isn't perfect
when you're hurt
can you love your enemies
or the enemy in the person
you choose to love

That's the anvil
where the hammer of cosmic judgement falls
can you love without a thought of yourself
can you sustain it like sunlight
while the light burns through your cloak
and reveals all of your sicknesses
all the logs lodged in your eyes

Or do you retreat back
to the simplicity of self
where the mirror is ever clouded
and love comes with ifs and whens
cursed with the impermanence
of the fallen nature
of all people.

Can you give without conditions
or do you wait
for eternity like you deserve it
like it doesn't cost you everything.

Saturday, June 16, 2018

Saturday

This is almost perfect
sitting here and cranking out pages
the horizon in sight
the vanishing point opening
the land I've always held in vision
with patience and faith

With tripped out ambient Celtic music 
on my Roku Pandora app
the breeze blowing in
the cold mushroom pizza and Tecate from the fridge
my liquid mind
unleashed and unencombered
wholly undeserved and focused

I know I'm stubborn and willful
and this is why
it always works
I will have my beautiful life without limits
because dark times don't choke my spirit
my spirit can't be choked
failure is the best teacher
and I love living and failing and getting back up
I am one of those people that wouldn't waver
at the moment before my execution

The only thing that would make this better
is the woman
who is doing a similar thing
in a house 12 blocks away
and when I see her in her tiny house shorts
and her hunting lion eyes
I know that we'll be doing this together
someday
when the timing's right
when I conquer all of her doubts
  


Saturday, June 9, 2018

Love and Words

The broken screen can't stop me
I'll do it all right here
with what I have
I'll stay up late
I'll fail and succeed
use the workout app to get fit
have zero overhead
stay put
upload little fishing lines
into rivers of billions of dollars
I don't need much
I just want to stay put
and go anywhere I want
I just want to be heard
and vanish
I will stay in love
and I'll stay alone
until a new order is created
out of thin and sublime air
a new foundation built
until my dreams are flesh
and land and erected wood.