Modern Families

There were long days and nights alone
a guy brought me fishing once
another one brought me crystal hunting
still another one let me try as hard as I could to fight him when I was twelve

One man had daughters who were about to move out
he was sick of them and had always wanted a son
he was sent to talk to me when at thirteen
I tried my hand at sketching porn in my sketchbook
he came in like a hero and pierced my shame
to tell me it wasn't a big deal
just that my mom thought it was
that was the extent of the talk
that all men kind of want to see women
touch each other
and that some day soon I would get to have women
and it would be amazing
just focus on being careful
don't have sex for a long time
but also focus on getting one when it's time
don't wait too long
he did this duty even though my mom had rejected him already

We never lived together
but that seemed pretty great to me
He took me rock climbing a lot and
beamed with pride when I got to the top
He went to AA and NA
maybe my mom left him because he was sober all the time
maybe she left him because he thought
all that New Age shit was stupid
he drove an old truck and was an electrician
he lived on the ridge
and was a fucking man

After that the men decreased in quality
and I let go of my hope
that a man who gave a shit enough to deal with us
to show up to my karate tournaments or plays
or talk to me about porn
would be the same kind of man my mom would keep
By the time Darrel showed up
I was eating acid on the weekends
and just thrilled that somebody had distracted my mom for a minute
so I could do whatever I wanted
my friends called him Skirt D
because he wore a sarong and ate mushrooms
and had spent a lot of time being
a predator of women

I've read a lot about single motherhood since
the statistics of it, the emotional castle
the one that's built that keeps chasing good men away
and imprisons pubescent boys in their own malformed patriarchy
how being fatherless is more risky
than growing up in the Southside of Chicago
I hate men who leave their children or families
I hate that any women would take that man in
they betray themselves
they betray all mothers
those men should have their penises removed
I hate how the importance of men
is largely ignored, especially on the coasts
the fiction that we aren't totally essential
I hate that men adopt that thinking
mostly to have sex with liberal women
it's a belief that's only possible if you haven't raised a child
all the poisonous myths of modernity
that moms can do it all
that suffering can be avoided
that men should be able to think like women
that love affairs don't penetrate our souls
that a soul is just an idea
that men are destructive and women are creative
that men have laid waste to the world
that God is not wrathful
that the revelation of God has been mistranslated
that true feminist men can even exist without God's brackets
that baptism is just a ritual men made up
and that the destruction of the family
can be mitigated
by anything less
than a
big
strong
masculine
clumsy
sinful
man
who loves
his woman.